I’ve never been a prayer warrior. However, I go through periods of my life when I pray a lot more than other times in my life. I would say that in this season of my life I have been more compelled to pray and pray specifically.

I am usually an open book, however I may seem vague. I promise when I know the end of the story so will you, but for now I want you to know what God has taught me through prayer…prayer for myself, for people I barely know, and for people I care deeply about. It has been an amazing last two months…oh how I love God teaching me…and me actually learning something!

I was approached by a new friend about a situation that involved myself and a person I didn’t know. This friend of mine wanted me to meet the unknown person…asked me to pray about it and see where God takes it from there. The entire situation sounded not so bad so I said yes, I’ll pray! It took about a day to say yes to meet this person…ok maybe a week or two. I had peace and told my friend let’s do it!

It was going to be a few months before this meeting could happen so I had a lot of time to pray. When I started praying I found myself saying very selfish and vague prayers. As time went on I started praying God centered prayers. I started praying a lot for the person I was going to meet. I even started praying more for my friend. I started praying for other people that had nothing to do with the situation…but I was praying and praying a lot. It was amazing.

The day came…the meeting day. I was excited and nervous and more excited. And it was nothing as I expected it to be. Not necessarily a bad day at all, but the expectations I had were not met. Most likely because the expectations I had were completely out in left field for the situation. I blame it on being human. Unmet expectations are not what this is about. You see I had complete and amazing peace in the weeks leading up to the “big” meeting. I prayed daily for the situation, for the person. I prayed that God would lead and show us what He wanted. I prayed that we would be on the same page. By the end of the day I was unsure if any of these prayers were answered. I wondered if this was just a complete disaster and felt disappointment. I knew where I was at and what God showed me, but had no idea where the other person was at. And I wanted to know…badly.

I went to bed feeling slightly uneasy…questioning…not God but myself. I had been so off, was I not hearing God. Disappointed for thinking I was on the right track and finding out I was completely off track. I didn’t sleep great…told by the completely whack dreams I had. Woke up feeling weird and not at all how I imagined waking up the day after the meeting. I had hoped I would wake up in a state of “I can’t believe how amazing that was”. Not the case. I woke up confused and slightly anxious. So I prayed through it, even though I had questioned my previous weeks of prayers (dang it Satan).

(Disclaimer: This next part is not how it always works in prayer…but this time it did. God knows what we need when we need it. I believe this is why is happened this way.)

Amazingly enough…just hours after I woke up I found out that we were both on the same page. A prayer I had prayed from day one. That we both were open and ready to see where God takes this. I was encouraged to know that we both thought the entire day was awkward, but it had nothing to with each of us as people, but more the circumstances of the situation. God is in this, his peace meant something. He answered prayer. God has this…He has our lives in his hands. He sees the big picture…He has plans for us, His children. When we draw to Him in prayer, in his word, in relationship…we have discernment and he shows us, sometimes more quickly than other times, what he wants for us. I have peace again…and I’m excited to see where God takes me…the other person…this situation. I feel like God just keeps telling me… “Sarah, I’ve got this, I’ve got you, I’ve got him…I love you both”. My heart is flooded with emotion…love, gratitude, joy…for my God. All along all I needed to do was trust Him…and for the first time in a situation like this…I did…I trusted Him and I continue to do this. I’m here to tell you how freeing that is. How amazing it is to see His plan come to fruition.

I have no idea how this will end, but I know it will be God’s plan. I will continue to pray for God’s wisdom, guidance, and discernment in this situation. And I know that in time He will show me, him…both of us what He wants for us. I can’t wait to tell you the rest of the story…

We had a new baby a couple of weeks ago. Awesome.

Our pastor and our parents came to see us at the hospital. Awesome.

But, no one else came. I found that to be not awesome.

Our other three children were born in Nebraska, at a hospital 75 miles from where we lived. And each time we had visitors from “home”…so, this time, when no one came across town, it hurt.

But, it also got me to thinking…

This is us…me and you…

We both have these paths, not necessarily to the same place, but we are both moving and heading somewhere.

And unless one of us moves toward the other, we will never intersect.

And that can happen one of two ways:

1. I can put something out there that redirects you my way
2. I can divert my path to yours

The first choice is about me and the second is about you.
And that’s why the second means more.

Love is about sacrifice.

What sacrifice is there in waiting until someone crosses my path to see how they are doing? What sacrifice is there in logging in to Facebook and adding my “Happy Birthday” message to the other 200? What sacrifice is there in parallel path living?

Plus, it’s not that believable anyway. I see someone I know two weeks after something important happened in their life, but now that they are in front of me I talk about it and what a big deal it is. That just makes you frustrated and leaves a light, faky taste in your mouth.

If you post something out there on Facebook that you are struggling with and I post back that I will pray for you, as soon as I go to the next post I have likely forgotten.
But, if I call you or stop over at your house or desk to talk and pray – you might actually feel tangibly loved because there was effort…it cost me something.

I had this whole intersection thing thought out in my head…helping me to deal with being hurt.
And honestly, I had kind of written it off as what had been done to me.

But, I am out playing basketball with my boys in the driveway and they are trying to show me things and shoot and play one-on-one with me…and I am going through the motions. Not engaged at all.

And I realize that I am on my own path and not even intersecting my boys. This time could have been used to encourage them, to connect with them…and I skip it because it’s not on “my path” for that day. In my head it was a sacrifice to go out and play with them instead of sitting on the couch, but “sacrifice” can’t be half-hearted.

A straight line has no connection.

Jesus actually talked to us about this, ok, commanded is more like it…

John 13:34

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

1 John 4:10-11

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

1 John 4:19

We love because he first loved us.

He loved us first. He intersected us. He didn’t wait for us to change course and make an effort to move toward Him.

So, when He tells us to love one another as He loved us, that is what He means. We don’t wait around for someone to come to us…we seek them out and love them there. We sacrifice for others because He sacrificed for us.

And when our lines are crossing because I’m intersecting you and you are intersecting me, we will be connected. That is the direction that Christ calls us to, not to achieve this or that goal, but to be a part of the healing and restoring of hearts.

As I sit pondering the month of love as a single woman without a quote unquote man, I am reminded that I have had and still have many men in my life that love me very much, that have taken care of me and continue to do so. Yes it’s very different than what one would think she should have, but they are huge blessings in my life. They are men that have integrity and are real…and most of them love Jesus much more than they love me, which I love! So today I am going to credit them for they have done in my life. I am not sure they are aware of the impact they have had on my life and I think it’s time they knew. Here’s a tribute to the many men in my life, all of whom I could not have become who I am without them in my life.

My Dad:
I have so many words to write about my dad. I didn’t appreciate him enough when he was here, I didn’t hug him enough and I didn’t tell him I loved him enough. However, I think he kinda knew. He was probably the strongest man I have ever met and not just because he was my dad. He worked so hard to support us even though he was sick everyday for the last 20 years of his life. His job was very physical and draining. We never went without he made sure of that. And he loved Jesus…oh how he loved Jesus. He was the one that got us to church every Sunday. He attended bible study Wednesday nights for years. When he couldn’t go to church anymore as the cancer was taking over his body, he listened to the Bible on CD every day. And in his last days two things made him smile…Elliana (his granddaughter) and the name Jesus. I remember so vividly that smile…I only hope that I smile like that when I hear the name of Jesus. I wish my dad could read this and know that he impacted me in so many ways. I am the woman I am today because of the man he was. Thank you daddy…oh how I miss you.

My Brothers:
Zach:
I just spent several days with my brother. I’ve always thought he was pretty amazing. So funny always making me laugh, always making me smile. He is a dad now and it’s hard for me to put in words how awesome of a dad he is. I always thought he would be a good daddy, but he has surpassed what I thought he would be. His love for his little boy actually leaves me speechless. He lives his life to protect that little guy…making sure no one hurts him, no one leads him astray. Not only is he awesome at loving his little boy, he has done a pretty amazing job at making sure the women my dad left behind have been taken care of. He has felt such responsibility to make sure my mom (prior to her new marriage) and I were ok. He is one of my best friends…someone that will be honest with me, always in love. Trying to protect my heart from heartache by telling me exactly what he has thought about the guys I date. And guess what…he has been right 100% of the time so far. He’s not overly affectionate, but his love for his family is deep. His love for people in general is deep. I have admired his heart for those in need. He started this website for that very reason. He wanted to show others how we mess up life, but God is always there to pick up the pieces. He wanted people that didn’t have hope to have hope. He loves Jesus…and people…and I think he has passed that on to me. Get over yourself…do what God says…Love your neighbor as yourself. Zach, you are an amazing man, I cannot wait to see where God takes you. I love you!

Zane:
Oh Zaney…he is the craziest person I’ve ever met, a good crazy. I think that he and I are most alike in our personalities out of the four of us. He’s much more obnoxious…just kidding, well kind of. Zane is this guy that everyone loves. He is personable and friendly and pretty much always smiling. He has gone through some pretty dark days and in the end smiles and gives praise to Jesus. I love his love for Jesus…it’s very evident in his life. He has always striven to glorify God in all he does. He is always involved in ministry and loves every minute of it. He is a man of integrity and character. He is loving and kind. His heart radiates love. Zaney you are a good man and I thank you for being so amazing to the most amazing dance partner you ever had. Thanks for loving Jesus and giving me Psalm 2:7 – you have no idea how much comfort I have found in this verse. Love you little brother!

Ryan (the brother-in-law):
Now this guy is a guy who doesn’t have to like me let alone love me. But I’m pretty sure I’m the sister he never had. This guy has taken me in to his home so many times, accepted me into his family on so many occasions. He has included me on their family vacations and always made me feel like he wants me there, not just because my sister said so, but because I believe he actually enjoys having me around a little bit. He’s a guy who would do a lot for me…things he doesn’t have to do. So to Ryan…thank you so much. I appreciate all you have done for me. Mostly I am so thankful for the husband you are to my sister and the daddy you are to my nieces. Thank you for taking me in as part of your family since, well I don’t have one of my own…yet. I am blessed to have you as my brother-in-law, but let’s face it you are pretty much like the real thing…just a brother forget the in-law part.

Gramps:
I had the honor of spending a lot of time with my grandparents in my childhood. My grandpa was awesome. I remember crawling up into his lap and just sitting there. I felt so safe there…I never wanted to leave. He was so much fun. I went on so many road trips with my grandparents…probably more than any other grandchild. So I got spend lots of time with him. He was a man of integrity…a man who loved Jesus. And like my dad…he turned toward Jesus in his last days, sharing the love of our Lord and Savior with everyone who came to see him. I miss him too…wish he was still here, but blessed that I got to be his granddaughter. Love you gramps.

Uncle Chris:
Now this guy, he’s great. Ever since I was a kid he was the best. He is this funny guy who loves to laugh and just be goofy. When I was a kid he would wrestle and play with us all day long. Now as we are adults we are more distant, but every time we get together it’s like we see each other every day. He is this lovable guy who would do anything for us. He never had children so I think that we were the closest thing he had. And I feel so blessed that he is here and in my life. That as a child I got to have an uncle that was very much a part of my life. And now that I’m an adult he is the man that will most likely take the place of my father if I ever get to walk down the aisle. And since my dad isn’t here…it’s gotta be him…he better say yes!

Jesus: The most important love
It’s hard to express in words the love I feel from Jesus. Jesus has been the constant in my life, the love that never changes. The love that picks up the pieces of my messed up existence and puts them back together all the while holding me in his loving arms and wiping the tears away. Loving me more than any of the above men and loving me more than any other man that will come in to my life. He loves me so much that he’ll take things out of my life that don’t need, even though it hurts…but only to make me a better person so that I may share his love with others. This love, the one I definitely do not deserve is the best love I could ever have and oh how I feel blessed to have it. Jesus gave up everything for me and for you. A love that never leaves no matter what I do. A love I cannot exist without.

All these men, they all love me. I’m a blessed girl to have all this love, to have all these men who are amazing in my life. But there is only one love that will never change, never leave, and that has had the most influence in how I love others…Jesus’ love…I’m beyond blessed to have this undeserved love…the hope of life…the reason I exist.

What a week…

Feelings of depression and anxiety consumed me. I felt attacked and defensive in most conversations. When I was surrounded by people I felt completely and utterly alone. I was numb to any feeling having to do with anything else going on in and around my life. If you know me, these words do not normally describe me. But the girl who loves and desires to be surrounded by people wanted nothing but to be alone…isolated and hidden.

I’m broken. And this week of brokenness validated one thing…I need a Savior. I need a Savior more than I need anything else in this world. It seems that I need weeks like the week I had to be made more aware of this need.

The always amazing (even though I should just expect it) deal is the Savior I already have showed up…once again in my desperate time of need. Jesus…always always always there…

He showed up in so many ways…through my clinging to him in tears and prayers of desperation, through a Godly woman teaching on joy in the midst of trials, through a group of women embracing me and joining me in tears, and of course through His almighty Word…his truth.

God knows exactly what we need and exactly when we need it. He knows our hearts, our thoughts, our desires, our fears, our hurts, and our joys. He wants us to give all of these to him, lay them at the foot of the cross. Surrender.

This is a lesson I’ve learned or should say have been taught over and over again in my life. I ask myself when will I ever learn this…really get this. And then a thought (one that can only be from God) runs through my mind – you never will fully get this, not as long as you need a Savior…you will always be reminded that you are in need of one. You will always need a reminder to surrender because the enemy knows that we are weak, but can make us think we are strong, strong enough to do it on our own…but no. The reminder, the lesson – we need a Savior, a constant in our life that is truth and love and light.

As I write this jumbled mess of a blog, a song comes to my mind. A song that speaks to me as I think about this past week, the feelings that consumed me and how true the words speak of Jesus’ character…what he did for us on the cross.

Rescue:
I need you Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There’s no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow you

I pray these words, over and over again (even though He’s already rescued me) as I sit in awe of a realization I’ve had many times. However, I am thankful for the realization yet again today. I am thankful that I’m at this place, knowing I need him, that I’ll never not need him. He is my Savior, my comforter, my healer, my constant…and that never changes…not in brokenness, not in joy…not ever.

A beautiful friend who is a beautiful writer wrote something recently that made me think. It’s an amazing post about how she came to accept her incredible gift of faith. About words said in just a moment throughout her life that have angered and confused and comforted her—that have shaped her.

I think for me it was the words that weren’t spoken. The things not said. Again and again. That it wasn’t necessarily “just a minute.” But slowly over time.

And more than that, it’s the conclusions that I drew in the silence. That I continue to draw. That became truths about who I am. What I’m worth. Amounting to a mountain of not very much covering a bunch of holes.

This. This is what I’m battling now. Every day. To reject “truths,” to stop filling in the holes with “evidence” that supports my conclusions about myself. Some days victorious. Some overrun and defeated.

Because I can’t not fill in space. I can’t leave it be. I’m compelled to draw the seemingly logical conclusions. And I honestly haven’t figured out how to speak well of myself to myself, and believe it.

Getting dumped at my neighbor’s house every day at 3 years old. Silence. “I’m not wanted.” Seeing my mom’s embarrassed face day after day. Silence. “I’m a burden. To her. And her neighbor.” And when I cry I only make her feel worse.

Scanning the faces on the sidelines at soccer games week after week for the two familiar ones. Silence. “I’m not worth coming to watch.” Hole.

But the thing is, you don’t say that out loud. You don’t actually even say that in your head. You look down at the ground. You feel the disappointed ache in your gut. Again. You breathe deep to get rid of it. And keep playing the game. But even though you never actually say it, those words are there and they attach themselves to you.

Letting myself in to an empty house 8, 9, 10, 11 years old Monday through Friday. Silence. I talk back to it, “I’m big; I can do this. I have to do this.” And I did. The nagging unspoken words, “I’m not worth coming home for.” Hole.

But now, I can’t stop. Making excuses for me, for them. Blaming myself. Explaining their situations, decisions, reactions so it “makes sense.” Using precedence to predict the future. Filling in the holes. With half-truths, untruths, lies about them, lies about me. Not sure it even matters what gets shoved in the holes as long as they’re covered over, the loop is closed, the problem has an explanation, the door is shut. Then it makes sense. Then I can lock it up, stuff it down, and move on. Then I can explain it to myself or anyone else.

I can’t stop. Telling others it’s okay. Telling God it’s okay. Telling myself lies. It’s not okay anymore. It’s finally not okay. I didn’t get to say it then. I didn’t let myself. I can now.

It’s not okay that my mom doesn’t call me. It’s not okay that my friends don’t come to visit. It’s not okay that I don’t have a husband, I hate it. Honestly, I hate where I live. It’s not okay because I’m sick of telling myself that it is. Of smashing down the truth. Of lying.

But what do you do after the temper tantrum? How do you live in the “not okay” space? What if those things don’t change? Shouldn’t I have to be okay with that? Wasn’t Paul content in every circumstance?

That verse has become a colossal stick I beat myself over the head with all the time. Trying to make it okay because it “has to be.” To make myself content because I’m “supposed to be.” Because it’s not acceptable to be angry at God or anyone else. It’s wrong.

So the tantrum ends and the underlying challenge seems to be “Okay, do something then. Do something about it. What are you going to do? What do you want to do?”

And in this moment I’m rendered silent. And I feel stupid. Because I don’t know.

But I wonder… why am I drawing conclusions about who I am based on other people’s actions? I know who I am. God told me. Regardless of who calls or comes to visit. Regardless of who blows me off or seeks me out. Regardless of whether there’s a ring on my left hand or right. God told me who I am regardless of what I tell myself, what conclusions I draw in the silence, what holes I fill up with lies. God told me. That I am loved. And He knows that I love Him. Despite this messiness He knows.

He knows that my heart is restless beyond belief, that I’m discontent and dissatisfied and angry at myself and others. I think He knows He has to rile me up pretty good to get my attention. So you’ve got me. I’m listening. I am.

But please, please don’t be silent. Because I don’t want to draw conclusions about You. I’m tired of that because they’re about me too and I can’t handle feeling ignored and alone. Not by You. I want only to love You.

And You say things in just a moment. Huge things, harsh things, beautiful things, whispers. And honestly, sometimes they seem so fleeting that I wonder if it was so. And sometimes I cannot fathom how to combat a lifetime of repeated junk with whispers. How a beat up heart and mind can be healed like that. But I know those words can be life-changing, because that’s how we got into this relationship. In just a minute.

I’ve been reading this book about Christians and cynicism, “Faith Without Illusions”. The main premise is that Christians should not (and really cannot) be cynics because cynicism is a lack of hope and the fundamental pillar of Christianity is hope.

I’m reading it because I am a cynic and God is challenging me to do something about it.

But lately (and especially the last couple of weeks) I have been bumping into cynicisms best friend.

Jaded

I really like that word. It’s sharp and cutting and edgy.

Which is weird because I’ve seen jaded.

Jaded is dull. Jaded is tired.

Jaded is tired of looking for hope and has resorted to looking for some sort of excitement in the problems, in the hurt, in the mud…in the sin.

Sin used to break our hearts…now, we feed on it.

Once upon a time, we used to cry at actions that brought people down…now, all we want is to see someone fall, to trip and stumble because then we have something to talk about.

Because then we have (more) reason to be cynical and down.

When was the last time you heard about someone sinning and it crushed you?

Yeah, me too…

Seeing sin in others should produce sadness, not a sick excitement that feeds our supreme need to be “entertained”.

Am I Jonah? Sitting on the edge hoping to see God’s judgment fall?
Or do I recognize that that fallen person is me and that I’ve lost count how many times He has picked me up?

Anyone can come along and kick someone when they are down.

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.

This is what God does and has done since the garden…He takes the broken and puts it back together. And day after day, He gives us a chance to be a part of it.

Maybe we used to be less about us…I need Him to restore that in me.

But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.
~Matthew 3: 7-8

I love John the Baptist. I love that he knew his role, that he was always pointing to Jesus, even though that took any attention away from him.

But I re-read this passage the other morning and just like every other time I read it, it made me a little uncomfortable.

“Produce fruit in keeping with repentance”

The religious people of his day come out to where he is baptizing people and he calls them out. He calls them snakes. He tells them that the way they are doing things isn’t sufficient.

So, John, what you are saying is that there is more to it than saying “the prayer” and continuing to live the same life?

Do I repent so that I have a clear conscience, to temporarily feel better about my standing before God?
Or am I really agreeing with God about how ugly my sin is?

Checklist spirituality.

Do I have a passion, a desire, to appear holy or do I have a passion for transformation…in me and in the people around me?

If I am seeing my sin the way God does, it should produce in me the desire to see the world as God does. He transforms us so that we can join Him in transforming everything else. Not so I can sit around with people just like me basking in the glow of how good I am.

I read in a book that a man called Christ went about doing good. It is very disconcerting to me that I am so easily satisfied with just going about.
~Toyohiko Kagawa

I know who I am.

I have spent the 36 years with me…I have seen what I do, I know what thoughts go through this head.

I have the clearest view of me, no one knows me better than I do.

So, I don’t get it when someone has a different view of me.

It’s easier when others see us the way that we see us, for us to be coming from the same place. We can “control” things there. And we don’t have to worry about any expectations.

This is our facebook life, right? This is who I want you to relate to me as.

But, there are always people who violate that. There is the person who has decided that that isn’t who you are. The person who, for whatever reason, has just decided that they don’t like you.

Or, even harder, the person who sees you in a better light than you see yourself.

But, isn’t that our job?

I have always had a low opinion of myself…driven by fear and pride. I have to work hard because I feel like I need to earn things. I don’t think I’m good enough for most people. I’m quiet. I would rather talk about you and your world than about me because the more you know of me the less likely it is that you will want to talk to me again.

So, when someone treats me like they are better than I am…it’s actually easier for me to accept than when someone, who I would label that way, treats me as a friend.

When people act like we expect them to, when they wear our glasses, they fuel our perceptions and agree with us about ourselves. And that makes those views stronger.

It’s the outliers that weaken it.

That’s our job.

God has called us to see people with new eyes. With transformed eyes.

What are things in that person that I am agreeing with by how I relate to them? Am I pouring gas on their anger, on their fragile heart, on their fears, on their pain…on their sin?

And maybe we think that we don’t have any influence on people like that…”it was just a short conversation”…”I don’t really even know them”…”we always joke like that”…
I would challenge you to think back over the last day and conversations you have had and I would bet you can pick out one (and probably many more) comment or phrase that has stuck with you…that has given credence to what you believe about yourself. Because the stronger those beliefs are, the more we can twist almost anything that is said to fit into the box we’ve made to define us.

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5: 15-17

How do we see people through God’s eyes?

I think those verses tell us. We treat people as new creations…whether they are or not.

If they are in Christ, we need to be about fueling the new creation in them…because we know how hard it is to distance ourselves from the old man. Transformation inside of us is a miracle. To be a part of that transformation in others is also a miracle.

Even if someone isn’t in Christ our job is to see them as they would be with Him. Isn’t that how Jesus viewed us? He didn’t wait for us to get it together before He showed us love (“while we were still sinners, Christ died for us”). He saw what we would be when we were transformed, when we were related too in love. And that’s what he wants from us. That’s how we love our neighbor.

I know I have this power in people because I have abused it to hurt them. I have played on their self-perceptions to keep them in their place.

I want to break someone’s glasses today.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. (Heb. 13:8)

Jesus Christ is “the same”…

I know that is supposed to be a good thing…that when you memorize verses like this they are supposed to encourage you because you are getting to know His character.

But, I’m tired of the same.
Everything is “the same”.

How easy is it to grow weary of something? of anything?
God. People. Things. Ideas. Passions.

• People who have been married for 40 years decide they don’t want to be together anymore.
• The perfect job has reverted to being just a job.
• Your first baby was a miracle, but by the time this one comes it’s “routine”.
• A month passes since you have talked to your friend and you wonder what the problem is, another month passes and you casually write them off.
• You go to church only because it’s Sunday.
• You pray, playing the odds that sheer volume will cause God to give you one of the things on your list.
• The cause you have fought for, you have spent countless hours, days, weeks, months, years to further has seen too much sustained resistance that you have resigned and nowadays you focus on your comfort.

We want a “dynamic” life. And God wants that for us too.

We want to be moved, to be stirred, to be energized.
And we have bought the lie that says that comes from the next thing. That what we know now, what we have seen, experienced, tasted, lived was for that moment and now we have to find something else to “do that for us”.

After all, we deserve that.

We want to be entertained.

Consistency is hard.
I would go so far as to say that consistency is impossible.

We want God to create new ways to speak to us.
And He wants us to look at the mountains and tremble in awe.

I have become convinced that the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2), the transformation that needs to happen in me is to see the joy of His consistency.

Yes, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
How incredible is that?

And how much do I need that?
I don’t have to find new ways to show myself worthy of Him. To entertain Him.
He loved me yesterday. He loves me today. And tomorrow, He will love me again.

So, when all of the people and all of the stuff around me is radically dependent on emotion and swinging to the left and the right with the wind that day. I want to be found consistent.

Consistently loving.
Consistently worshipping.
Consistently letting joy in.
Consistently letting joy out.

I don’t need to see something happen today to make it “awesome”.
The One who made today is awesome and I need to see that.

So, it’s January 5th…the new year is just underway…I’m supposed to be hopeful and excited because everything is “new”.

I have never really understood the new year phenomena. I have never seen a reason to celebrate the calendar flipping or the need to buy a new calendar for that matter.
But yet, each new year I feel the twinge of hope, the possibility of change stirs something inside of me.

But, I’m guessing that we all have the same reaction come March (or mid-January).
The disappointment sets in.

For me, it’s already happening.

Things aren’t different or “new”.

So, I sit discouraged…frustrated…over tired.

And when I feel this way, there is nothing new. There is only the old. The same. The comfortable.

I have started calling it my “go-to’s”…
My go-to thought patterns (“I really do suck at every area of my life”)
My go-to reactions (cynicism, hyper-criticalness)
My go-to persona (closing in on myself, “hiding”)
And when you combine them, they all push me to my go-to sins.

And sitting here under the clouds of my go-to’s, I feel hopeless. There is no change. There is truly nothing new under the blocked-out sun.

I don’t know what your go-to’s are, but I would bet that you have them too. What do you start saying to yourself when you are discouraged? Where do you find yourself at the end of a stressful or a disappointing day?

The ironic thing is that what we are doing over and over, this go-to mentality, is surrendering.

Surrender.

In my experience that word has two connotations – 1. France, 2. What we are supposed to be doing to Jesus and His power.

I sing the songs about surrender at church (“all to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give”) and I want that…I want to give up control. I want to get to the point where I can stop thinking and planning and just instinctively find myself in Him.
But, I can’t seem to get there.
And I tell myself that surrender is too hard. I just don’t know how to do it.

Which, today, I know is crap.

I do know how to surrender. I do it all the time.

I surrender to sin. I give up control. I stop thinking and planning and give myself over to it all the time, all the go-to time.

So, what I don’t need is another thing to pile on top of this inverted triangle – another attempt to fix things or another new practice. Because every time it falls, that’s just more weight crushing me.
I don’t need another how-to, I need another go-to.

In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.
~ Romans 6: 11-14

“Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness” – not really a passage that you could confuse what it means.
That means our go-to’s have to go.
We have been offering ourselves to sin…surrendering.
Now it’s time to stop.

How do we do that?
“offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness”
Spiritual replacement therapy.

Go-to thought patterns need to be His truth.
Go-to actions need to push us out of ourselves, not to be focused on us and “medicating” our pain or hurt. When are a part of healing others, He heals us.

The go-to sinning can be replaced with go-to worship of God. He is the only one that we should be submitting to. Because He isn’t using our submission to crush us, but to heal us and to heal others. When we submit to sin we are choosing death for us and those around us.

We need to find this new base in our lives or we will continue to be crushed by the fact that we end up in our go-to sin today, this month, next month, over and over…until next January when we “try” it again.