Mine is a story similar to so many stories. A story of risk. A story that did not go the way I would have chosen. Yet, I share it with you today that it may be a reminder that we are not alone in our struggles… and that we are not so different…

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wronged and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries. Avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe within the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that safe, dark, motionless, airless casket it will change. It will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

Everyone knows CS Lewis is brilliant. Few people doubt that this man wrote some of the most profound words about Jesus, life, and love. And heartache.

I think about my own recent wounds. I didn’t fully realize how fresh those wounds are to my heart. I met a boy, fell in love, and a year ago, I was willing to give up my whole life to move to my least favorite state in America in order to be closer to him. You can imagine that when the months rolled along, and I found out horrific things about his malicious, lying, cheating behavior, I was devastated. So here I sit, a woman wounded. I torture myself even now by listening to music that reminds me of him and things he used to sing to me. Why do I put myself through the torture?

Another song comes up on iTunes that brings me back to the exact moment in which I first heard the song with The Fake. Ugh. He whispered the lyrics in my ear and made my strong heart melt. He held me in his arms and made promises he would never keep.

Looking back, I feel confident that I have done what CS Lewis exhorts us to do… to risk… to be vulnerable. Even a strong women who can travel over the world and spread the gospel of Jesus, has a hard time trusting when it comes to men. It is more dangerous a risk than can be described.

I just got back from Africa. I spent two months in a Rwandan orphanage with no one who spoke English. It was a gutsy move. So, in yet another form of self-torture, I picked up the phone when The Fake’s best friend called me. He asked me, “Katy, you seem to still be so positive in your view of the Lord after seeing all the poverty in Africa. How is that?” Something in me snapped. “You know what? I expected poverty. I expected the pain. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these beautiful orphans are closer to the heart of God than we can ever dream. I saw such beauty in Africa. But you know what I don’t understand? You know what was harder for me to understand? It was harder for me to understand how your best friend could engage my heart and ruin my heart and lie to me. THAT. I don’t understand. And in my dark moments, I ask the Lord not to explain poverty, but to explain THAT pain. Because it’s more personal and more hurtful than you imagine.” Needless to say, I don’t think I’ll have to worry about The Fake’s best friend calling me anymore.

And that’s just it. There’s just this huge pain. This huge fear that we may each continue alone on our journey and never find that partner. That other half, not to complete us, but to compliment us. The one who will help us serve Christ better together than we could have by ourselves.

So here I am, saying I don’t get it. I wish I knew how to reconcile the beauty I see in our God with the pain I feel in my heart from broken relationships and hopes deferred.

About a year after what could have been the most detrimental relationship of my life, I think about The Fake. But God did protect me. And in most moments, I remember that and look back with gratitude, but in some moments, even when I feel as if I’ve completely moved on, I find myself missing The Fake and wishing he was sitting across the table from me telling me that I was the best thing that even happened to him. Oh, as I write this paragraph, his favorite song about me plays in my headphones. It sucks, because I used to like this song, and now I won’t be able to listen to it anymore because it reminds me of him. I think it’s time to trade this song for Christ’s song.

What’s that passage?

“On that day the announcement to my lovely daughters will be, ‘Cheer up, don’t be afraid. For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty Savior. He will give you victory. He will rejoice over you in great gladness; he will love you and not accuse you.’ Is that a joyous choir I hear? No, it is the
Lord himself exulting over you in happy song: ‘I have gathered your wounded and taken away your reproach. And I will deal severely with all who have oppressed you. I will save the weak and helpless ones, and bring together those who were chased away. I will give glory to my former exiles, mocked and shamed.’”
Zephaniah 3:16-19

Whatever Christ’s song of praise over you sounds like, my prayer is that you will listen to that song today. As for me, I’m ready to skip this album I’m currently listening to that reminds me of The Fake. I’m certain there are more beautiful songs yet to be sung.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 7th, 2009 at 9:57 pm and is filed under Katy Balsis. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.